if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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