Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
