We won't sleep together?
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
