Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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