im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize