You made me cry and you don't even care
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
