Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize