I can't watch pbs sober anymore
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
