I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
