i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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