my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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