I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
