It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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