I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize