Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
