When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
