Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
