i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
