Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
