He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
