he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
