Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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