we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
