the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
