Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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