I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
