Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize