made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Will exercising make me less horny?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
