just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
