sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
