Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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