did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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