it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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