dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
