I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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