At least make sure they are 18
Why
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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