sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
In other news, I just burned my penis
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
