Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
