If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I believe in your delicious
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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