We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
