Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
