i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
