Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
