I just threw up on my dentist
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
