You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Operation Purity has been aborted
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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