I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
