Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I think I just sharted jello shots
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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