nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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