we have officially lost it.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
