I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
