We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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