What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
