took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize