You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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