i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
