how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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