you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize