How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
