i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize