Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
