yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
