You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Congratulations! We have a period
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize