sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
