I'm gonna have a badass scar
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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