I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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